Authenticity

Standard clichés for early adulthood dictate that currently I am in a stage of “finding myself.”

Every time I hear this phrase, I can’t help but think of Claire Danes’ character, Angela, on that delightfully angsty 90s classic-- My So-Called Life:

People are always saying you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster. Like you know what it is even. But every so often I'll have, like, a moment, where just being myself in my life right where I am is, like, enough.

Way to cut to the core, Angela. (By the way, that’s 5 “likes” in 2 sentences. Well played.)

I’ve loved this bit for ages. Being told that I would eventually “find myself” in some whole and immutable state felt (and still feels) completely absurd. Like reducing my (and your and everyone else’s) complexity to that of a household appliance. Gross.

But, you know what? I’m more or less coming around to the idea. (it wouldn’t be a cliché if it didn’t have some truth, right?) Though, instead of finding myself, I like to think of it as finding authenticity.

In one form or another, “myself” has been here all along. It (I) am constantly evolving and changing and doing lots of organic non-toastery things. There’s no endpoint. I will keep growing.

(And I think that’s what Angela is getting at here. The phrase is so annoying because it seems to make two rather obnoxious assumptions. First, that whoever we might be at the current moment is not good enough or true enough; second, that someday we’ll arrive at the station and never have to question who we are ever again. No way. No thanks. To both.)

So, it’s not a matter of finding “me” as though it’s some separate and exterior entity. Rather, the task is to take the essence, the person that exists under all the security blankets, and let that be what the world sees. When I feel certain that the choices I make, the friends I keep, and the words I say are all reflections of the person I am and the person I want to be—well, then I feel authentic. I feel something whole and true that fits that self-discovery narrative. I don’t have to find me, but a way to share myself with others honestly and openly.

In practice? It means refusing to apologize for my passions, my beliefs, and my strengths. For what makes me smile and what makes me cry. Acknowledging that I have weaknesses and addressing them. Asking for help and taking it graciously. No compromising authenticity for being liked (it’s easy for me to pretend that I left this habit in middle school, but sadly not always true).

And when I accomplish these things (again, no end point. It’s a moment-by-moment and day-by-day achievement), I feel positively electric. No doubt that I can set the world on fire.

I realize I’ve basically swapped “find yourself” with “be yourself.” What’s the use in exchanging one hackneyed old phrase with another? But really, it’s about the path between the two. In fact, the never-ending cycle between them. Take stock, share it (never hide from it), and then take stock again. The process breeds authenticity and authenticity cultivates joy. And joy is a very very good thing.