That's my mantra these days. Maybe more accurate to say that's what I want my mantra to be these days. My thoughts often run away from me. Lights out and a seemingly innocuous stream of consciousness begins.
"Do I want eggs or avocado toast for breakfast? Hm, which job apps should I work on over my avo-toast? How many days ago did I send that resume? Two. Right. Patience, please..."
Next thing I know my brain's full-on sprinting through some kind of freaky deserted carnival. Everywhere I turn there's a toothless carnie in a dirty, gawdy striped suit. And a hole-y boater hat. He demands to know what I'm doing with my life. Just that. "What are you doing with your life?," followed by a wicked grin. I keep running away from him and he keeps chasing me with a whack-a-mole mallet and that damned question.
Remember that scene in Snow White when she's running through the forest and totally freaking out? It's all dark and those weird finger-y trees keep grabbing at her dress?
Yeah, it's like that. But in my head. And then I can't sleep. Half from pondering the question in this recurring daydream (nightdream if it happens after dark?) and half from being stunned at the absurdity of my thought process. Really, carnies?
So, getting to the point. I need to slow down. Build a shrine to the tortoise. Be the molasses in January. I am 21 years old. What is the rush, pray tell?
"What jobs would I like to apply to?" need not become "What do I want to do with My Life? What are my goals? Great Scot! Do I even have any goals?! I will have to peddle things I find in dumpsters on ebay for a living. Oh, poor career choice, dearie. You know ebay will be WAY outdated by 2033. Damn! I don't even have a Plan B!" Things are getting out of hand.
And what better time to embrace the sacredness of the leisurely, the dawdling, the deliberate? Summer is the season of slow, don't you think? The time for languishing on the porch with a glass of lemonade, wilting along with a much-loved dog-earred book in the thick humidity, catnaps and the like. I hereby (attempt) to renounce the gospel of go-go-go and to appreciate right now, as it is, for what it is.
Take longer walks. Write letters bound for far-off friends on stationary precious with Italian memories. Bake bread. Re-read passages becuase they make my heart rum-pum-pum. Find a lake. Skinnydip in it. Each a peach and let the juice drip drip drip down my chin. Take time to take stock. Concoct crazy dreams. Discard or follow at will. Celebrate my youth. Avoid the carnival.
Yikes!
ReplyDeleteThat post-undergrad feeling, yes? I graduated a year ago (almost to the day) and I still have feelings like that on a regular basis!
"What am I doing with my life? I NEED TO DECIDE NOW! I NEED TO BE DOING IT NOW! OH GOD I NEED A CAREER AND ADVENTURES AND MORE SCHOOL AND I NEED TO DO IT ALL BEFORE THIRTY!!"
Like you, sometimes I just need to pause, reflect, and realize that despite how I feel, 23 years old is NOT over-the-hill. I'm a baby still. I have all the time in the world - and worrying about the future is just going to detract from my enjoyment of the present! And probably also keep me too distracted to recognize a golden opportunity when I see one!
Ah, we are on the same page! The need-to-do-it-all-before-thirty syndrome has been hitting me hard (even more than a month after writing this post!), but your reminder that "worrying about the future is just going to detract from my enjoyment of the present" is so spot on and I'll be doing my darnedest to keep it in mind. To miss a golden opportunity is a terrible thing!
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